Last night I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. Mitch had his last wrestling tournament in Ririe that started at 5:30, so we had an early dinner and made it over to Ririe in time for the long tournament. They were selling concessions which I broke down and bought some treats for the kids. I didn't eat any of the treats as I am trying to lose weight and so I was "good" and didn't eat anything. When we got home it was 9:30 at night and everyone was starving. So Reid made the kids their favorite treat an eggnog. It's mostly a milkshake with lots of sugar, milk and crushed ice with a touch of egg. They always ask him to make it for them. I was also very hungry but had used up all my points and so knew I couldn't eat anything.
I felt incredibly depressed. I have been doing weight watchers since the end of August and have been pretty successful even though the weight is coming off ever so slowly. I feel that 1 lb or less a week is very slow. The first month I lost it a lot faster but since then it has been a very slow rate. I know in my mind that I am doing this the right way and that I am not doing some kind of "extreme" diet and so it is healthy to lose it so slowly and that by doing it like this hopefully I will be able to keep it off better. But emotionally I feel very frustrated by the numbers on the scale.
The reason for the emotional breakdown is this, I miss my friend "comfort food". Food has always been there for me. I could always count on it to taste good, and to make me feel better. It has been there for every celebration in life, it is there when I am lonely, sad, happy or any other emotion. I have had to put this kind of eating aside for the greater good in life. I want to be healthy, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't care if I am super skinny, I am past that point in my life. But I do want to be able to put on a pair of jeans and not worry that I look terrible and have to hurry and find a big shirt to cover up my big butt and belly. I don't want to be embarrassed when I run into an old friend from High School and worry that they are thinking "man she has really packed on the pounds." But mostly I want to have energy and feel good while I raise my 4 beautiful children.
This is the reason for the breakdown, last night I wanted to come home and eat some cookies, or ice cream or whatever else sounded good and not worry about it. But I have to give it up (at least in excess) so that I can have a better future. Now one of the reasons I chose to do weight watchers is because you can still eat treats in moderation as long as you stay within your daily points allowance. So I know that I can still have some every so often, but last night I felt sad that I no longer can have all I want of it. I know that doing this will be very worth it in the long run and for this reason i am not giving up. Wish me luck over this Thanksgiving Holiday.
7 comments:
What a great blog. I'm so impressed with your determination with something that is so stinking hard! Keep it up. I
Thank you for sharing this. We live in a culture where we are told we can and should have it all- especially when it comes to food. It's refreshing to remember the sometimes in denying ourselves the little things, we are truly become better people. It's every bit as hard for women with a lot of weight to lose, or those of us who are "skinny" and simply want to take care of our bodies and have the energy that tasty junk foods don't provide.
It's a hard battle and combined with exercise (which I know you do) regardless of what you end up weighing, you are setting an amazing example for your children about the importance you place on health. I hope I can be as diligent as you are!
I think the holidays are hard for everyone. I am very impressed with your will power and you should be very proud of yourself!!
Rach, you are an amazing person! Always have been! You can do anything you set your mind to do! Keep it up it will be worth it in the long run!
Good grief Rachel...I looked at your blog for the first time in awhile (I have no excuse) and I see, "Mourning the loss of a dear friend" and I think, "Who died?" Way to get my heart rate up. :) haha Very well written and I feel for ya. I can't believe how much weight I've gained since Sub Zero and now I'm trying to diet a bit and it's SO HARD!!! Keep it up! You can do it!
Rachel you really look great! I was thinking that in one of your lasts posts with a picture of you in it, I should have said that when I saw that picture. I think you are so hard on yourself sometimes, you really are beautiful and you work your butt off running, exercising and taking care of kids, you have something to be proud of and you have accomplished a lot, don't beat yourself up. I thought maybe someone died too!!! You had my heart rate up as well!!
Rachel, I miss that friend too. Too bad he is one of those cruel friends that makes you feel good at first and then crappy later. Keep up the good work. You have spoken volumes for all of us.
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